


PS - I'm Still In Love With You

by ZarryFTZouis



Series: Chrissy's Oneshots [85]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:48:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1538168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZarryFTZouis/pseuds/ZarryFTZouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self-explanatory loveletter, kinda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	PS - I'm Still In Love With You

    _Lover Dearest,_

_Hey, it's me, again. I haven't an idea where to start. It's been six months, and it's fucking killing from the inside._

_It's been six months of pure hell for me, six months of torturous days of me not waking up to your beautiful eyes, and six months of not being with_ you _. I sound like a sap but I love you, like never before._

_It fucking hurts that each morning when I wake up, the bed's empty and no one's there for me to cook me or give me chaste good morning kisses the way you kissed me._

_People told me I should move on, that it's been half a year since you were ripped from my hands. Said that I'm a hopeless case for believing you'll come back eventually. That I should give up and see new people, make new memories and most importantly, find new love._

_I can't do that, not when my heart yearns for your touches, your kisses, you love. I can't just go out with random blokes and hope the sparks fly, that they will be the one to take me out of my misery. I can't let go of the beautiful, sad, tragic love affair we shared for a brief time._

_I remember our first kiss like it was just yesterday, babe. I remember it all too well. I recall that it was right after we finished our WWA tour, the American leg, and there was an after party all the members were supposed to go to. Hell, I remember how you tasted like - stale taste of alcohol and cool autumn breeze from the outside. The way your lips moved against mine as I cupped your jaw in my hands. Your hands tightened their grip on my waist as the innocent little kiss turned into an intense snog. Liam had to be the prick to break us apart._

_Not all our fans were happy with the news of our love, if I recall correctly. Many of our fans left us because being a gay couple in the band wasn't really their thing._

_But we didn't break up, nor did we care. Our love grew stronger everyday, with every breath we took._

_After the video was released, I cannot express how happy I was that fans finally began to accept our love, that we were really meant to be._

_How ignorant was I, believing that such thing can be eternal?_

_I'm a fool in love, and you're all that I need. I wanted the ever after to be ours but the Fate has its twisted ways to end the love we had. Destroy our happiness from the inside._

_Maybe I shouldn't have been a lovestruck idiot believing everlasting love was real._

_I still blame myself, I really do, for what happened that night._

_How bright the light was from the impact, and how quickly the fear of me losing you was so real to me and it happened, didn't it? You left me in a broken-hearted mess and I can't just get over that!_

_We were on the way to our date, on our third month being together, and I was so careless! I had the ring and everything, but I had to be the moron who ruined everything! I had the entire future planned out for us, our_ wedding _planned out, and you were just taken from me like that._

_Most people start to lose hope after a while but I never did because hope and love was the last straws I had to hold on to._

_Because true love always prevails._

_I was never prepared for this, for you to be in this state, and I will never forgive myself as long as I breathe. I can't believe I was in-_

_Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore, babe. I have to stop the self-hate shit and I've been to numerous psychiatrists to "cure" myself, as the lads told me. They all told me the same thing; I'm in great pain and the only thing that takes it all away is the self-blame, self-hatred. That I'm stuck in this world of desolation since I can never forgive myself for what I commited. That it's okay to cry sometimes and that it's okay to need someone._

_I really need to forgive myself and get a grip of reality._

_You're all that I had, the best I ever had, and the love of my life. How am I supposed to let go of that?_

_First kiss, first touch, first boy to make me feel like that. Hearbreak is killing me and why can't they see it? Would they kiss me? Would they please me? Would they love me like you would? The answer's always gonna be no._

_You're all I want so much, it's hurting, and I question myself is it wrong to ask for something great. What did I ever do in my life to deserve this?_

_The one thing I'm absolutely sure about is that I'm dying. I'm dying without your love to keep me in check, without your touches to dissolve away the pain I feel, and without your body to support me. I'm half a man at best, with half an arrow in my chest._

_"Beautiful", that's the first thing that crosses my mind everytime you cross my mind because_ you are the single most beautiful thing in my life _. You have to put the trust to feel it, and with all my heart, I wish nothing but the best for you._

_All I wanted was for you to let me in, and you did. You let me into the sad, colourless world of solitude and reeled me in to warm you, to let you be loved._

_Maybe I shouldn't hate myself for the fact that I was your downfall._

_Maybe I shouldn't continue with this._

_Maybe I shouldn't love you after what really happened that night._

_I feel so alone and lost without you, babe, and you were the only light in my life of hellish tortures. You made a heartbreak out of me, and I let you do that. Your love was like a single diamond that shines the brightest. Your touch was the softest grace that I cherished. Your lips... they were the most magical things I ever experienced._

_The truth of a matter is, replacing you is not easy. It never will be._

_I went on a date about the month after the Incident, and all I could think about was your lips when my date pressed his lips to my cheek in the most chaste way possible. How much I long for your lips crashing to mine as our bare bodies collide with passion, how you feel as we make love._

_Yes, babe, I'm truly a hopeless romantic, when it comes to you, and it's never good enough. I live for your love, and that is something I can never feel again in life._

_Because you're gone now._

_I'm so sorry,_ so sorry that I ended it _._

_I was a fool, fool to think for a second that it's possible to be reckless and not pay the price. I shouldn't have gotten on the car that night. I shouldn't have driven the car to the restaurant with you in the first place._

_Why didn't I stop myself?_

_Why didn't I listen to the dark voices inside my head telling me it won't work?_

_Why didn't I listen when you told me we should hail a cab to be safe on that stormy day, that we needn't go on that date and postpone it?_

_It's all my fault._

_The shrinks can suck a dick for telling me to blame myself_ because it's entirely my fault that you are no longer with me _._

_Fuck, I wish I can take it all back. All the things I said to you from the beginning of our relationship when you got angry and wanted to end it. All the things I said when you were seconds away from walking throught the door unsure._

_I planned to propose to you in that restaurant, with everyone in that place listening to my speech._

_Here's how it goes:_

_My dearest love, it's been three months, two weeks and four days since I asked you to be mine, and nearly 4 years since our band has been formed. To this day, I still thank my lucky stars that it was possible for me to meet you, my eternal love, my heart and soul forever._

_Remember the first time we kissed in that party? It literally was the life-changing experience for me. Your -_ our _\-  kiss opened my eyes to what was real, what can really happen to us._

_My lips tingle everytime I think of that - our first kiss, our first snog, our first love making._

_I fell for you for your flaws and imperfections, all your little things that make you who you are._

_This is why I love you so dearly, Zayn Javadd Malik._ Mein tumse pyaar karta hoon _._

_Will you marry me?_

_That doesn't matter anymore, Zee. It won't ever matter to_ us  _anymore cos you're gone, just like that, yeah, you're gone forever._

_I wanted to re-tell all our stories when we grow old together, adopting kids and telling the story of us._

_The story of us, our love, ended with my recklessness._

_I should've listened to you, not act like a jerk who wanted to prove himself._

_They say if you have a crush on someone for more that three or four months, it's not a simple crush anymore - it's love. When I fell for you, I never expected any of this. This happiness we shared together, all the cries, all the desperation._

_All I wanted you to do was fall in an irrevocable, unconditional love with me and never leave me alone until we draw our last breaths together, barely seconds apart from eacth other. I don't really believe in afterlife but were it to exist, I choose to spend the rest of forever with you._

_I'm dead inside and out now, without you to guide me through the darkness that veils the truth and love from our - my - friends. I can't let myself feel the joy without you to share it with me._

_Fuck, just come back, come back to me, Zayn. Come back to me in life and demolish the wall of solitude I built around myself as self-presevervation, something that would've never happened if I was more careful -_

Harry stops his writing for a second to wipe at his tears angrily, the stupid engagement ring - the one he got on his own birthday more than a year and half ago now - glinting in the half-light of the nightstand beside his bed.

   Shakily, he reaches out for a box of cigarettes and lights one expertly, eyes fluttering shut as the numbness sets in.

   Numbness, that is the only thing he lets himself feel other than remorse and sorrow these days. With his condition falling down exponentially, the management of One Direction decided to give them a little break.

   Louis settled as a songwriter, with help from Liam, and Niall became the backup guitarist for some pop rock group Harry has never heard of. Liam and Louis came out as a couple not long after the band "broke apart", in short time of four weeks, actually. Harry laughed humourlessly when the news of another gay couple of One Direction shoot up the media. They'll never learn, will they?

   Coating his lungs with the harmful smoke, Harry exhales slowly, thinking about the first time.

    _The_ first time.

~*~

   "I love you," Zayn tells me for the millionth time tonight, his bare body intimately pressed to mine. I can very well feel his hard on against my stomach, as his lips flutter soft, tender kisses to the side of my neck in an endless manner. His large hand caresses the unoccupied side of my neck, tilting my neck further.

   Too be honest, I've never gone this far with anyone, not even with Caroline unlike what the media suspects. Until Zayn, I'd never even received a blowjob (unless the one from that girl from year 11 when we were both drunk at a house party counts). Breaths hitching, I pull his head up so that our lips are level and press mine to his gently.

   "I love you too, babe. Forever," I whisper against his rough-soft lips, feeling them stretch into a full-blown smile.

   He extends his free hand and laces our fingers together, his toned body hover over mine, first hints of sweat forming on his forehead. I can see the tattooos on his shoulder and collarbone but that's it in this dim light. 

   Zayn retracts his hand from my neck and, slowly, drags them south, the bottle of lube discarded somewhere on the bed from the earlier foreplay. I swat his hand away and give him a nod. "I trust you."

   Indenting his lower lip with his teeth, he takes his own length in his hand and lines himself up at my entrance, the slightest touch exciting my blood. "There's no turning back." He warns, just the head ensconced, causing me to flutter my eyes, this time from a bit of pain from the stretch.

   "I want you, and I love you, Zee. I can handle the pain. Heck, it won't-"

   Zayn snaps his hips forward, bottoming out completely, with a possessively growl. I let out a gasp from the sudden fullness, blinking rapidly to blink away the tears from uncomfortable feeling.

   "Shhh... I got you," he coos at me, lacing our free hands together, so that both our arms are stretched to the side, finger intertwined tightely together. "Nobody will break you."

   It takes couple minutes for me to fully adjust to his size - he's not exactly small in the department - and I nod at him to start moving. Slowly, and carefully measured, he thrusts in and out of me, earning throaty moans from me each time his tip graze against the sensitive spot inside me. Smirking, knowing that he found what he was looking for, he drives into that spot forcefully, making me tighten my legs around his waist, drawing him more, my back arched.

   Within few thrusts, the pain from the earlier discomfort burns away from the pleasure, pleasure from feeling like we're one and simple by being together, I arch my back even more, which Zayn chuckles at.

   "Such an eager kitten," he uses the nickname he got for me since I can "grin like the Cheshire cat from Alice In Wonderland". "Do you want more?"

   Without waiting for my answer, he flings my legs over his shoulders, which gives more leverage for penetration, and proper rams into my sweet spot. I cry his name over and over again, becoming a mantra as I feel the familiar tightening pull in my lower stomach muscles.

   " _Zayn_ ," I breathe out as I release messily onto my chest and a bit on his chest. He thrusts couple more times, prolonging our high, and spills deep inside me.

   " _Mein tumse pyaar karta hoon."_

~*~

    _I'm crying even more now,_ Hary continues his letter of tears, _because you aren't here! You aren't here to cuddle me to sleep, making chocolate chip pancakes on every Monday morning and make a mess out of it when we throw blobs of the pancake mix at each other! Or fight over which Netflix movie we should whenever we aren't on tour and don't have PR thing to do, cuddle in bed all day, except for times we have to go take a piss or eat leftover junkfood._

_The truth is, my love, there's no getting over you._

_I tried numerous times, tried copious therapies to get you out of my fucking head and yet you still linger in my innermost darkest thoughts. I wish I could find a way to bring you back to me..._

_God, I'm a pathetic little sod. Crying over my dead boyfriend, thinking hope is strong enough to bring you back to me._

_Yes, I just said you're dead, which makes me feel a thousand times worse. You know why? Because it was purely my fault. I can't listen to one more shrink telling me it wasn't, that it was an untimely accident._

I  _was the one behind the wheel,_ I  _was the one driving at 40 miles when it was raining and foggy as shit._ I  _was the one-_

   Harry takes in a shaky breath, his hands trembling so much he loses the grip on his fag.

   -  _the one who took your life away. One man's stupid, irrationcal mistake and the one he loved more than anything in his life was taken away by the cold touch of Death._

_You wanna know why I kept holding on to the hope that you aren't entirely gone?_

_Because hope survives the best at hearth, and that hearth is the fire of our love, the love we'll always have even when you're long gone._

_I loved you, Zayn Javadd Malik-Styles, I'm still in love with you, and I never will stop._

   "Harry?" The tear-soaked boy lifts his gaze from the paper he's been writing his letter on... 

_No way... no fucking way..._

   Zayn is hovering, actually  _floating above ground_ , with jet black wings that match the colour of his eyes with lighter, amber-brown tips, just like his eyes when he smiles under a summer sun. His smile is as brilliant as ever, his lips plump and taking the hue of light pink.

   "Za-Zayn?" The younger lad croaks, his voice raw from yelling, crying, and smoking. "Is that really you?"

   "Come with me, Harry, we have forever if you join me." The darker skinned boy extends his palm, which looks like it's glowing to Harry's unstable eyes.

   Harry reaches out until their fingertips touch.

   Next morning, Liam finds the cold body of Harry, his eyes smiling brightly, the faintest traces of happiness still lingering on his chapped, dry lips.


End file.
